So much to say....

Quick Update: My cat is not dead yet. When I wrote my last blog I was under the impression that she was going to be put to sleep the next day. Thankfully, she perked up a little bit. She will not be healed from this, but for now we are just watching her and as soon as she gets worse we will put her down. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It was a hard week last week. I will be heartbroken when she leaves, but I think I have come to some terms of acceptance.

Tonight Drew and I went to church. Wow. We love our church. It is so alive. Anyway, the past few weeks the pastor has been preaching on Freedom from Sin, but more specifically sin that has been placed on you. How to free victims from tragedy that has attacked them through forgiveness, and what that looks like Biblically. It has been a revolutionary series in my life. I am so broken. My body feels spiritually shredded. I am exhausted. I am sick of carrying the burden of pain on my shoulders. Forgiveness is a constant choice. We have to choose to forgive people who have hurt us again, and again. Each time we are reminded of the pain we must choose to forgive. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation though.

I struggle with this. I think everyone does. I need strength to constantly forgive. I need more prayer in my life. I need more focused "God time". I get so easily distracted.

So many times I ask God "Why?". Why did you allow this heartbreak to happen? Why did you allow my family to be so torn to pieces? Why did you allow a beautiful mother, wife, daughter, friend, and cousin to be taken so early? The answer of course is sin, but somehow I am not satisfied with that response. The message on freedom from sin has been teaching us to stop asking "why?", and start asking "what now?". Such a good point. I cannot change what has happened. I can only learn how to proceed and grow. Sometimes I hate that. I want so badly to change outcomes. But I know that God is the only being capable of changing such lives.

In the meantime, a song that has given me both pain and comfort is "Slow fade" by Casting Crowns. Their lyrics in this song are perfect. It encourages me to live a life that I want my own children to follow someday. I want so badly to be an amazing mother, but primarily a woman of God. I saw a quote a few days ago that said "I want to be the kind of woman of God that when I wake up and put my feet on the floor the devil says "Oh crap! She is up!".  AMEN. I want to be that. I have a long way to go, but in the mean time these lyrics help me stay reminded and encouraged:

Lyrics to "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns:
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see