So much to say....

Quick Update: My cat is not dead yet. When I wrote my last blog I was under the impression that she was going to be put to sleep the next day. Thankfully, she perked up a little bit. She will not be healed from this, but for now we are just watching her and as soon as she gets worse we will put her down. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. It was a hard week last week. I will be heartbroken when she leaves, but I think I have come to some terms of acceptance.

Tonight Drew and I went to church. Wow. We love our church. It is so alive. Anyway, the past few weeks the pastor has been preaching on Freedom from Sin, but more specifically sin that has been placed on you. How to free victims from tragedy that has attacked them through forgiveness, and what that looks like Biblically. It has been a revolutionary series in my life. I am so broken. My body feels spiritually shredded. I am exhausted. I am sick of carrying the burden of pain on my shoulders. Forgiveness is a constant choice. We have to choose to forgive people who have hurt us again, and again. Each time we are reminded of the pain we must choose to forgive. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation though.

I struggle with this. I think everyone does. I need strength to constantly forgive. I need more prayer in my life. I need more focused "God time". I get so easily distracted.

So many times I ask God "Why?". Why did you allow this heartbreak to happen? Why did you allow my family to be so torn to pieces? Why did you allow a beautiful mother, wife, daughter, friend, and cousin to be taken so early? The answer of course is sin, but somehow I am not satisfied with that response. The message on freedom from sin has been teaching us to stop asking "why?", and start asking "what now?". Such a good point. I cannot change what has happened. I can only learn how to proceed and grow. Sometimes I hate that. I want so badly to change outcomes. But I know that God is the only being capable of changing such lives.

In the meantime, a song that has given me both pain and comfort is "Slow fade" by Casting Crowns. Their lyrics in this song are perfect. It encourages me to live a life that I want my own children to follow someday. I want so badly to be an amazing mother, but primarily a woman of God. I saw a quote a few days ago that said "I want to be the kind of woman of God that when I wake up and put my feet on the floor the devil says "Oh crap! She is up!".  AMEN. I want to be that. I have a long way to go, but in the mean time these lyrics help me stay reminded and encouraged:

Lyrics to "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns:
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray 
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Lucy

Today I am writing with tears filling my swollen eyes. These past 72 hours have been horrible. I went home to Atlanta to the weekend to find that my precious kitty cat Lucy was very sick. My mother warned me that she was sick, but for some reason it did not sink in until I took her to the vet on Saturday morning. She weighed only 5 pounds, which is about half of her normal weight. The doctor took some blood tests and we got the results this morning. Her kidneys are failing. She is 12 years old, so I guess this should be somewhat expected, but it was not. I was in no way prepared for this. The vet said that we could give her dialysis 3 times a week, but that it would not cure her. It would only make her last days more comfortable. Knowing this would be painful and difficult for her, he suggested we put her to sleep.

I knew from the vet's expressions on Saturday that she may not have much time left. I spent the entire weekend holding her, kissing her, spoon feeding her tuna and yogurt (her two favorite foods), and Drew suggested we take a photo shoot. I am so thankful we did that. I have some beautiful pictures of she and I.

Lucy was my absolute best friend. That may sound weird considering she was a cat, but I have had her for more than half of my life. I picked her out before she was even born from a litter of a friend's cat. I have spoiled her since she was born. I dressed her up, pushed her in a stroller, played with her outside (which she loved), played with her and her toys, and in return she was ALWAYS there for me. She saw me through childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. She saw me have my heartbroken for the first time. She licked the tears on my cheeks and would lay on my back whenever I cried. It was her way of comforting me. If I was crying in my room, she would find me and lay right next to me. She always made me feel better. She was with me when tragedy struck my family. She was the only one I could tell all of my feelings to. She was with me through high school and when I moved to college she was always waiting for me when I came home for breaks. We were inseparable.

I think she is the most beautiful animal in the world. She has never bitten or scratched a soul. She lets babies rough house with her and she remains incredibly sweet. She always took care of me. She saw me get married and knew that Drew could take care of me now. I think that has a lot to do with her sickness taking over so quickly. I think she held on until she knew I was in good arms. Our last night in Atlanta she spent a lot of time with Drew. She sat in his lap and slept practically on him when we were sleeping. This was weird because I am normally the only person she does that to. I honestly think it was her way of telling him that she trusts him to take care of me now since her time was almost finished.

I cannot imagine life without Lucy. I am beyond heartbroken. I will never have another relationship like that. I will miss her terribly. I dread the next few hours knowing that her time on this earth is limited.

Your prayers are very much appreciated.

MB